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Author Topic: Everyone likes a laugh or a thought once ad awhile  (Read 32496 times)

Susan

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Everyone likes a laugh or a thought once ad awhile
« on: July 30, 2013, 12:48:58 PM »

Everyone likes a good laugh or a thought once ad awhile. This is te place to add your funny thoughts,
pictures and things. Add your humor pages and or webstes.  We love to check out funny stuff!

Here is mine. Funny Humor Pages




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Susan

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Three Little Pigs went out to dinner.
« Reply #1 on: July 30, 2013, 12:50:08 PM »

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.

'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.

'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.

'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.


'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,'

But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'



Are you ready get for this....



The third piggy says -


'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!
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Susan

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HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES?
« Reply #2 on: August 14, 2013, 07:30:37 PM »

HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


 
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Susan

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Hospital Bill
« Reply #3 on: August 14, 2013, 07:51:13 PM »




Hospital Bill A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.
 
 The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The
 paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency
 open heart bypass surgery.
 
 He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at
 the Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed
 holding a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him
 how he was going to pay for his treatment.
 
  "Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
 
  He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
 
  The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
 
  He replied, "No money in the bank."
 
  "Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked
  the irritated nun.
 
  He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
 
  The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not
  spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
 
 
 
 The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
 
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Susan

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A Priest And A Bus Driver
« Reply #4 on: September 14, 2013, 09:43:22 PM »

A Priest And A Bus Driver

 

 
A priest and a bus driver both died and went to heaven at the same time. They get to the pearly gates where St. Peter greets them.
 
He motions to the priest, they go out the back door and both hop in a jeep. There are about 50 acres of rolling hills with a little cottage on the knoll. St. Peter turns to the priest and says "This will be yours for eternity. A perfect little cottage, right next to a wishing well. Anything you wish on that wishing well will come true guarantied."
 
The priest says, "Oh, thank you so much. This I shall enjoy!"
 
St. Peter drops off the priest, goes back to the pearly gates and motions to the bus driver. They go out the front door hop in a stretch limo and drive off. There are about 500 acres of land, with mountains and lakes and rivers. There is a huge castle on one of the mountains with about 200 rooms.  St. Peter says "This will be yours for eternity. You can live in that castle with servants to wait on you hand and foot, and you can have everything you want."
 
The bus driver looks and St. Peter and says "Well, now, don't think I'm not grateful, but shouldn't the priest get all this, not me? Shouldn't I get the cottage and 50 acres instead?"
 
St. Peter just laughs and says "The reason you get all this is because when the priest preached, everyone fell asleep.  When you drove your bus, people prayed!"
 
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SundanceSusan

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A little old lady
« Reply #5 on: October 02, 2013, 03:09:14 PM »

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage
 bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a


while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

 Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20
 bills falling out of that bag."

 "Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see
 if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.

 "Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. " Where did you get all that money?
 You didn't steal it, did you?"

 "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a
 Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence,
 right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the
 flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?'

 So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my
 hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I
 surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O. K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it
 comes.'

 "Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by
 the way, what's in the other bag?"

 "Not everybody pays."

Susan

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Man with earring
« Reply #6 on: October 03, 2013, 08:46:46 AM »

Does that seem odd

Man with earring
Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men? A man is at
work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an
earring. The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative
fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense" The
man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies
sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods
him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?" "Ever since my
wife found it in my truck."
(I always wondered how this trend got started)
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Susan

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DEMENTIA QUIZ
« Reply #7 on: October 03, 2013, 08:57:42 AM »

DEMENTIA  QUIZ

     
   
   FIRST QUESTION:

YOU  ARE A PARTICIPANT IN A RACE.. YOU OVERTAKE
THE SECOND  PERSON. WHAT POSITION ARE YOU  IN?





~~~~~~~~~~  ~~~~~~~~~~

 
 





ANSWER :  IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE FIRST,
THEN YOU ARE  ABSOLUTELY WRONG! IF YOU OVERTAKE THE
SECOND PERSON AND  YOU TAKE HIS PLACE, YOU ARE IN SECOND PLACE!

TRY TO DO BETTER NEXT TIME.
NOW ANSWER THE SECOND QUESTION,
BUT DON'T  TAKE AS MUCH TIME AS
YOU TOOK FOR THE FIRST QUESTION,  OK?
 

 


SECOND QUESTION:
IF YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON, THEN YOU ARE....?
(SCROLL  DOWN)




~~~~~~~~~~  ~~~~~~~~~~



 
 
 





ANSWER: IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE SECOND TO LAST, THEN YOU  ARE.....
  WRONG AGAIN. TELL ME SUNSHINE, HOW CAN YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON??


YOU'RE  NOT VERY GOOD AT THIS, ARE YOU?


THIRD QUESTION:
VERY TRICKY ARITHMETIC! NOTE:
THIS MUST BE DONE IN YOUR HEAD ONLY.
DO NOT USE PAPER AND PENCIL OR A CALCULATOR.
TRY IT.



TAKE 1000 AND ADD 40 TO IT. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000 NOW ADD 30.
ADD ANOTHER 1000. NOW ADD 20 .. NOW  ADD ANOTHER 1000.
NOW ADD 10. WHAT IS THE TOTAL?


SCROLL DOWN FOR THE CORRECT ANSWER.....




~~~~~~~~~~  ~~~~~~~~~~


 
 
 
 


DID YOU GET 5000?

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS ACTUALLY 4100...



IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT, CHECK IT WITH A CALCULATOR!
TODAY IS DEFINITELY NOT YOUR DAY, IS IT?   

MAYBE  YOU'LL GET THE LAST QUESTION RIGHT....  MAYBE...



FOURTH QUESTION:

MARY'S FATHER HAS FIVE DAUGHTERS:




NANA, 2. NENE, 3. NINI,  4. NONO, AND ???
WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE FIFTH DAUGHTER?






~~~~~~~~~~  ~~~~~~~~~~



 
 
 

DID YOU ANSWER NUNU? NO! OF COURSE IT ISN'T.
HER NAME IS MARY! READ THE QUESTION AGAIN!







OKAY, NOW THE BONUS ROUND,
I..E., A FINAL CHANCE TO
REDEEM YOURSELF:





A MUTE PERSON GOES INTO A SHOP AND WANTS TO BUY A TOOTHBRUSH.
BY IMITATING THE ACTION OF BRUSHING HIS TEETH HE
SUCCESSFULLY EXPRESSES HIMSELF TO THE SHOPKEEPER AND THE  PURCHASE IS DONE.
NEXT, A BLIND MAN COMES INTO THE SHOP WHO WANTS TO BUY A
PAIR OF SUNGLASSES; HOW DOES  HE INDICATE WHAT HE WANTS?





~~~~~~~~~~  ~~~~~~~~~~


 
 


IT'S REALLY VERY SIMPLE
HE OPENS HIS MOUTH AND ASKS FOR IT...
DOES YOUR EMPLOYER ACTUALLY PAY YOU TO THINK??
IF SO DO NOT LET THEM SEE YOUR ANSWERS FOR THIS TEST!


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SundanceSusan

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A Really Bad Day
« Reply #8 on: December 13, 2013, 11:34:08 PM »

A Really Bad Day



 There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

 Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

 "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

 "I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

SundanceSusan

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Senior Center Hypnotist
« Reply #9 on: January 12, 2014, 06:54:01 AM »

Senior Center Hypnotist



 It was entertainment night at the Senior Center . Claude, the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you all into a trance - I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

 The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. The polished metal gleamed in the light.

 Claude said, "I want you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

 He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch . . .

 The crowd became mesmerized. The watch swayed back and forth, light shimmering off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.

 "SH T!" said the Hypnotist.

 It took 3 days to clean up the Senior Center .

Susan

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Little Johnny
« Reply #10 on: February 01, 2014, 10:45:34 PM »

Little Johnny

One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him. Gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good morning son." "Good morning pastor," replied the young man, not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked. "Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"
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Susan

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FIVE TIPS FOR WOMEN About There Man
« Reply #11 on: March 08, 2014, 02:45:58 PM »



FIVE TIPS FOR WOMEN About There Man

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.



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SundanceSusan

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Wedding Rehearsal Joke
« Reply #12 on: March 17, 2014, 10:09:13 AM »



Wedding Rehearsal Joke

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the clergyman with an unusual offer. "Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out."

He passed the clergyman the cash and walked away satisfied.

The wedding day arrives, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the clergyman looks in young mans eyes and says, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."

The groom leaned toward the clergyman and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

The clergyman put the $100 into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."



Bridal and Wedding

Susan

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Older Than What
« Reply #13 on: May 19, 2014, 10:47:05 AM »


Older Than What:

Count all the ones that you remember, not the ones you were told about.
Ratings at the bottom.

1. Sweet cigarettes candy
2. Coffee shops with juke boxes
3. Home milk delivery in glass bottles
4. Party lines on the telephone
5. Newsreels before the movie
6. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and
were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (There were
only 2 channels [if you were fortunate])
7. Peashooters
8. 33 rpm records
9. 45 RPM records
10. Hi-fi's
11. Metal ice trays with levers
12. Blue flashbulb
13. Cork popguns
14. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-3 = You're still young
If you remembered 3-6 = You are getting older
If you remembered 7-10 = Don't tell your age
If you remembered 11-14 = You're positively ancient!  Or maybe Older Than What.

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Susan

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Mr. Gorilla Re: Everyone
« Reply #14 on: December 06, 2014, 09:54:54 PM »

Mr. Gorilla


Dear Mr. Gorilla,
 
     It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are
  spending the day at the zoo.  She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink
  spring dress, sleeveless with straps.  He's wearing his normal jeans
  and a T-shirt.
 

    The zoo is not very busy this morning.  As they walk through the ape
  exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla.  Noticing
  the girl, the gorilla jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one
  hand (and 2 feet), the grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand.
  He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.  The
  husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny.
 
    He tells his wife: "Honey.. why don't you do to him what you always do
  to me?"  So the woman puckers her lips, wiggles her bottom at him, and
  plays along.  Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that 
  would wake the dead.  Then the she lets one of her straps fall to show
  a little more skin.  Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.


    She then lifts her dress up her thighs.... This drives the gorilla
  absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips.  Then the husband grabs his
  wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, flings her in with
  the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.
 
  "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

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